EFT & Sex
If we consider the billions upon
billions people spend on all aspects and areas of their lives related to sex –
and let us not forget, this includes the entire Beauty & Fitness industry!
– it is interesting yet quite telling to note how little has been written on
the topic of treating sexual problems with EFT.
What I would like to do in this
article is to present a gentle progression into this area of every adult’s
life that is still so very difficult to talk about in public in a rational
manner. It is also my hope that there will be some amongst those who are reading
this who will find courage and hope and will decide to lift the lid on this
topic for themselves at last.
It really is essentially
important in every aspect of everyone’s life, whether they wish to acknowledge
this or not – our sexual systems have inordinate impact on how we feel inside,
of how much power we think we have, of course on our “creativity”, no matter
how it is expressed; on how much success we might believe we can have elsewhere;
and in the end, on how much happiness there can be in our lives.
Please do not think that I am
suggesting we should use EFT so we can go out and have more sex; that is
not the purpose of this article.
What I want to do instead is for
each of us to consider the energetic systems that are related to sexuality;
these are systems of life itself and need to be given a great deal of
respect and quite regardless of any adult’s age or state of health or other
circumstances.
I would also like to present a
step by step system by which any individual in self help, or a counsellor/healer
with their clients in a partnership healing setting, may approach the subject
and move through the various layers in safety and without any kind of further
traumatisation being necessary.
A First Step - Gentling The Systems
Before
we even begin with any more specific treatments, a good place for anyone
suffering from "shameful" problems of this nature is to tap the
following soothing and strengthening statements, for example:
- "Even though I don't want to think about this
..."
- "Even though I just want to forget all about
this ..."
- "Even though I wish I would never have to think
or talk about this ever again ..."
- "Even though I feel sick at the thought of
talking about this ..."
- “Even though I am terrified at the thought of
thinking about this again ...”
- “Even though this is not important to me ...”
Please remember that EFT
treatments are never meant to be something you force yourself or others to have
to suffer through; we can start as way back when as we need to in order to make
it as easy and gentle as possible to get real healing, change and forward
movement into the systems of mind and body.
Once we are beyond the
“denial” protection barrier and the issues are really here now in
consciousness, the next step might be to simply think about “this whole
subject” and tap without any opening statements, simply to take the edge off
the tumult of feelings and memories so we can start to think more clearly,
target more specific interventions and create change that will actually hold and
last “in the field”.
This is also a good time to use
“tearless trauma technique” approaches and global symbols, numbers, or
metaphors to help retain a distance from the problems and memories and still be
able to make headway into what is a very serious and very sensitive set of
systems.
For example, many women suffer
from extreme disturbances in their relationships with their own bodies which
often lies at the core of their problems; in many other instances it is a high
contributing aspect. To find a metaphor (such as the Lotus) or even a colour
(the root chakra “red” can be used, for instance) and to use EFT treatment
rounds about the feelings towards these abstractions can be a breakthrough
experience of healing that is truly profound in its repercussions on overall
health and happiness in both body and mind.
Getting Specific
On the Meridian Therapy internet
news group, a very experienced practitioner and EFT healer mailed for help with
a lady client who hated sex following a childhood full of abuse. Now, this lady
was married but could not bear to be touched. She loved her husband very much
and lived in a constant hell of wanting to please him and have him be happy and
satisfied, yet being unable to control her flinch-back and panic reflexes which
would arise automatically and in spite of her husband having "been so
patient for all these years".
Not much headway was being made
with this lady although she seemed responsive to EFT in other ways; the
therapist was wondering where she might be missing something, where she was
going wrong.
As I looked over the kind of
opening statements they had been using it became clear right away that both this
lady and the therapist were backing away from "calling a spade a
spade" - and this is the next hurdle when we start using EFT for sex
problems, fears, inadequacies, past trauma and bad experiences.
Whether we are working in self
help by ourselves, or with other people, it matters not – once we get down to
specific incidents or current events, oblique and roundabout descriptions of
feelings, parts, acts and happenings can not get to the true core of the
problems.
For many people, the whole topic
of sex is so shocking, "dirty", unpleasant and generally contorted
that there may be a lot of merit to just tap rounds of EFT on "those
words" themselves and until they can be thought about and talked about in a
rational manner and without the energy system going into instant reversal and
even more shame and embarrassment ensuing.
Sex is an area which might
really have the very highest and least talked about emotions present, whether
they may be in the forms of memories of trauma and abuse, or simply every day
experiences of fear and failure.
In intimate relationships, there
are a huge array of very specific triggers of physical sensations, of body
postures which are never assumed at any other time, of thoughts and emotions, of
sights and scents – in short, there are unusually many aspects to sexual
sensation or performance problems.
For really thorough and long
lasting healing interventions with EFT that will hold up fully “in the
field” we likewise need to be thorough with ourselves or with our clients and
make sure that we get all the relevant aspects and treat them until the person
feels a true sense of release.
This also very strongly pertains
to being able to directly deal with causative memories later on; to be able to
describe truthfully and without feeling ashamed what really happened, and to use
EFT to finally break the hold of the past, once and for all.
This might also mean that
counsellors, coaches and therapists might need to treat themselves for feelings
of shame or embarrassment so that they may be able to provide their clients with
the stabilising influence and confident guidance they need.
Starting From The Outside In
Especially sexual abuse
survivors have symptoms that are clearly a direct result of what happened to
them a long time ago but which are not necessarily directly related to having
sex at all.
Many for example find it nearly
impossible (or indeed, entirely impossible) to present themselves for intimate
physical exams with a doctor or gynaecologist.
They may also experience
problems about taking even top layers of clothes off in public (such as at the
beach or in communal changing rooms) or other types of symptoms, from being
unable to sleep with the window open even a little way or having to sit close to
fire exits in restaurants - there are a multitude of symptoms.
Starting on these rather than on
the memories or feelings from the causative events directly is often a very good
"way into" these frightening mindscapes.
I would make the comment that
anyone who either knows or suspects that their sexual problems have been caused
by abuse or trauma might consider seeking the aid of a qualified meridian energy
therapist they feel really comfortable and safe with. Self help is a wonderful
thing but indeed, some things are really better faced with a knowledgeable guide
by ones side.
Should this apply to you, there
is also the option of pre-treating fear or any reason to NOT go ahead and find
resolution for these problems in self help first and use the EFT self treatments
to get yourself to a place where you can ring up and make an appointment.
Treating Other Sexual Problems With EFT
This is of course a vast topic.
This article is only designed to give you some ideas of what we can do with EFT,
and that you can expect to see a real improvement in many areas of your sex life
if you decide to use EFT in that centrally important context.
Performance & Relaxation
Whether it is male
"performance" or female abilities to feel what the body can feel and
flow with the sexual experience as we were designed to by God and the Universe,
energy reversals and blockages are always something we can remove, treat and
thus, get a great deal more out of our sex life.
We
have already briefly touched on trauma and memories that can cause such
reversals and energy blockages; here, I am particularly thinking about emotional
responses which are indicators of other types of blockages such as:
Fear. Performance
anxiety, thinking that you are not good enough, that there is something wrong
with you, that you are "no good at sex" or that you don't deserve to
have orgasms, that God thinks sex is bad or that you shouldn't be having it at
all - these and a million more fears are the first and prime candidates to
destroy the flow of energies through the systems and make our bodies cease up,
cramp up in fear and panic and stop us from flowing with the sexual experience
in an open and natural fashion.
All of these fears, if they are
allowed to be expressed and treated with EFT, can and will recede and this
really makes a big difference to your sexual experience.
Shame. Shame, guilt,
disgust, distaste, embarrassment - these are really of one category and they are
very difficult and painful emotions indeed that are guaranteed to keep an
individual in sexual hell for their entire adult lives.
Interestingly, these forms of
emotions which are very visceral with aspects of real physiological responses
such as gagging responses, feelings of nausea and sickness, breathlessness etc,
respond beautifully to the application of EFT and these are excellent self help
candidates. In the privacy of your own home and your own mind and body, you can
begin to treat such responses with the aid of your own body, or perhaps
photographic or artistic representations of what is causing the problem.
I would make the side note that
fetishes and strong (but unwanted) desires for certain situations, people or
objects can be treated successfully with EFT, even if they have proven entirely
untreatable with any other known method or approach; treating issues of shame
and guilt about fetishes is also a very, very healing and reconciling
thing to do and regardless whether an abatement in desire for the fetish is
required or not.
Anger. Anger and feelings
of rage at self or at others clearly preclude loving sexual flow in
relationships – even with the self. Many people don’t even know that they
are angry at themselves or at their current partners; usually this is anger
by proxy because it wasn’t either the self or the current partner who ever
did anything wrong to deserve this. Anger choked down causes big vortices and
blockages in the energy system; worse, it causes sexual expression to become of
a different flavour than it would otherwise have been. It also precludes honesty
and intimacy in sexual relationships with self and others, so to treat anger and
rage issues is always a good idea.
Here, I would like to clearly
state that to have anger issues in any context, sexual or otherwise, is not a
character flaw or some genetic defect but simply always and only a
response to painful things that have happened to us in the past – “It hurts
and that makes me angry” in a very simple cause-and-effect.
EFT is particularly good at
healing these old wounds and injuries once and for all, and when that happens,
anger simply ceases to exist. It doesn’t require a great deal of
“forgiveness work” or any hardship other than to just simply repair the
injuries in the energy system in the usual way, namely by firstly becoming aware
of any issues of anger, giving them expression and doing the EFT treatment as
usual with your own words, for example:
- “Even though I still hate the man who raped me
...”
- “Even though I despise and hate myself for not
being more careful ...”
- “Even though I hate my husband for constantly
wanting sex ...”
- “Even though all men are animals ...”
- “Even though I hate myself for having sexual
thoughts ...”
- “Even though God hates me for having committed
adultery ...”
- “Even though I hate my body for wanting these
disgusting things ...”
Every single anger, rage or hate
you can release from yourself with EFT will be a burden released and help you
think, feel and flow more freely.
Thoughts Of Shame and Morality
A great area of stopping people
from even trying to treat themselves so that they may release their energy
blockages and reversals is in "thoughts of shame and morality" -
things they were taught or things they believe.
For example, there are many
people who think that if they liked sex any better than they did or didn't find
it disgusting anymore, that would mean that they would turn into lust driven
animals and run around in the streets, doing it with everyone and everything all
the time.
This is absolutely not so and
nothing but an old wife’s scare story.
Someone with sexual instincts
which have returned to a state of natural flow will of course seek out sexual
partners; but they will not be indiscriminate or stupid about it and much less
develop into rapists or paedophiles. Quite in the contrary - those sorts of
behaviours indicate a problem rather than ever representing any form of
solution.
"Thoughts of shame and
morality", as installed by fundamentalist religions for example, cause the
most tremendous problems.
The drive to sexual expression
is one of the most powerful forces we have in our adult lives and the fact is
that if this expression (with a partner or by yourself) becomes mis-routed or
perverted, of course we will have the corresponding powerful disturbances and
"perversions", if you will.
Releasing blockages, untangling
contortions and generally speaking, allowing the mind-body systems relating to
being a sexual being to return to a state of health and flow cannot do anything
else than to help make life easier, less stressful and more as it was always
designed to be.
Magical Sexual Energy Flow
Discussing truthful opening
statements and working together with EFT in a partnership to help both partners
achieve deeper, more profound and more exhilarating experiences is a truly
magical thing.
There are many variations on
“Partner EFT” – just sitting opposite one another and touching the points
on each other, mirror fashion, either in silence or whilst both say an
affirmation or statement of love or intent to change something for one or both
of the partners is absolutely fascinating and more intense than most practised
Tantra specialists achieve after years of dour practise.
Allowing each other to help each
other remove the last blockages and reservations, fears or contortions to
experiencing true intimacy with each other is one of the most extraordinary
things you could possibly do in a relationship, no matter how you achieve this;
gentle touching rather than tapping can keep this process loving and entirely
flowing and non-mechanical.
Including the EFT points in a
massage can be used easily and without having to say too much; kissing them is a
more advanced version which I particularly enjoy, especially when it comes with
an opening statement of, “I love you and I desire you deeply and
completely.”
If you do not have a partner,
doing EFT for your own hopes and dreams, fears and limitations in an intimate
setting with yourself is a breakthrough experience of learning to love yourself
in every way if you will allow yourself to have it.
Celibacy & Spiritual Energy Flow
There are many people who for
one reason or the other wish to use sexual energy not for sexual expression in
partnership but for other purposes, such as raising energy for healing or
spiritual development.
I would point out that we still
are in a place where these sexual energies themselves must flow freely first before
they can be transmuted into something else. If these energies are blocked or
disturbed, they cannot function in the spiritual flow either – no matter what,
and no matter how, sexual energies need to flow freely, lightly and cleanly,
without contortions and blockages.
In Conclusion
I estimate that having ones sexual systems in order might
well account for at least 30% of any one adults effectivity and happiness in
this life. This doesn’t mean they have to have sex at all; and it doesn’t
mean they have to have a partner.
What we do need however is to address our injuries and
disturbances in these systems urgently and as one of the first and most
important areas of enquiry when there is something wrong with our lives. It
simply is structurally of the essence for a long and healthy life, and at least
as important as are diet or exercise to which so very much attention and thought
is being given.
EFT gives us a tool at last with which to do this, without
fear, shame or guilt; in the privacy of our own homes if need be, and in so
doing, allows us to free up unprecedented energies for health, for activity, for
success – for life.
Ă“
Silvia Hartmann 2003
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